Omg. I've missed this so much. I really felt the void of not writing as often after i started to write down my goals for 2018, (one of them being 'post at least once a week' awks) and it hit me that this is what i'd created my own cute, little, online space for. And i missed it. For times when i felt it was important to document what i wanted/needed, both short term and long term or have a moan or share special moments or just keep myself busy when i wanted to disconnect.
I had a big shift in my life earlier this year in the shape of my cousin passing away from an immune system disease called 'lupus'. The shock of losing a 28 year old relative paired with the guilt of understanding you could've tried harder after a devastating event was a very very hard pill to swallow.
I'm usually really good at being the one with open ears and open arms for anyone and everyone in or out of my circle of friends; but her passing shifted everything and created vulnerability that was that became evident in my presence and social interactions; and being that I don't like displaying negative emotions publicly (sadness, anger, jealousy etc) I was struggling to find a safe balance of how to grieve and take everything in but also keep myself busy by heading out to work while trying to not shuffle for a clean kleenex every minute.
Although i was able to reconnect with family, cry, laugh and do everything in between with people that knew her inside and out, I couldn't shake the heavy feeling of regret for not trying hard enough whilst she was here and only really having myself to blame. It made me step back, take a breath and recognize that while hindsight is a great thing, the feeling of foresight is so much better; and unlike hindsight you don't lose anything from it. Yup, 100% guilt free!
I started to practice how to take action, make an effort and take time out of my day to text, call, meet up with friends and family; and engage in conversation that didn't involve my eyes glued to my phone screen or taking mental notes on how many 'love and hip hop Miami' episodes i was falling behind on.
Being (sometimes) unfortunate enough to grow up in a millennial society means we work less on the health of our own relationships and genuine social interactions with the ones we care about, and more on our peers perception of us socially, and how healthy our bonds are perceived to be. I'll be the first to admit i'm so guilty of this, and living in a digital age it's getting easier to fall into the trap that deludes you into thinking, replying to a 'miss you!' Instagram comment from a friend or relative counts as having spoke, or watching their snapchat story counts as you keeping up with them and knowing what's going on with them.
But on the other hand, i learnt am learning how to take things in, digest and understand what happened, why it happened, use it for my growth and let it go. Harboring feelings, especially ones that you associate with a negative event or person are so harmful to you spiritually, emotionally and mentally. So to end this on a lovely light note: here's to me growing, glowing and goal chasing in 2018.
