Body Talk

Ok maybe it's just me but I feel like when you fall into a certain size bracket, people just assume your super happy with your body. Like we just spend our days walking around in lycra bodysuits and bikinis all day, and our camera roll is full of us in half naked 'body goals' pictures.

Nope.

My body image had never really been a big deal to me, until I began working in bigger fashion retailers with girls of all different shapes and sizes and being more active on social media. Obviously throughout school you go through ups and downs with not only your body image but your image in general, but my biggest insecurities only started to come into play later on.

All my life I've always been quite petite. Growing up I had no boobs, no bum and a bony small frame lmao. But i'd only really start nitpicking about my body when id go into those nightmare fitting rooms where there's mirrors literally everywhere except the motherfucking ceiling or be picking out something to buy, hold it up  to myself and someone would go: 

'God your tiny' or 'That would fit one of my legs!'
And then there'd be me...doing an awkward laugh and avoiding eye contact.

Then fast forward to 2016/2017 and it's literally surgically enhanced central. Everywhere i looked there were the same women with these insane, dr miami, coca cola bottle bodies!
And unfortunately in most cases (and in some cases women too) this is the male ideology of what a 'good body' is. So waking up, seeing this plastered all over social media, television, etc.. distorted my perception of how my own body looked and highlighted the fact that I was actually really starting to feel some type of way about my natural body.

But then I felt like if i was to voice the subject and complain about being unhappy with my shape/size, i'd be met with looks of either confusion, eye rolls or comments like 'shut up, i'd kill to have your body'. 

It's almost as if we've been socially conditioned to think that it's impossible for people of a certain size to dislike their body because being 'slim' is linked to all kinds of positive connotations. Well newsflash it's not impossible, because we're still women and we're all human!

This whole socially constructed one idea of what a 'good body' is drives me mental. 

Don't get me wrong, if teyana taylors personal trainer offered me a month free trial with meal prep included i'd be the first in line baby. But i'm learning to welcome the fact that these just might be my own 'good body' years and i'm gonna look back and be pissed that i was complaining. However I'm a 23 year old woman living in an age where fat transfers are as popping as the kebab shop after the club; so i'm always gonna be a bit body conscious and my own biggest body critic right?! Trying to go against the grain and not get sucked into following every unrealistic body trend that comes into fashion is a hard but sharing on the internet that i have my share of bad body days too feels kinda therapeutic?

1. Hat: Missguided
2. Top: Zara
3. Hoodie: H&M
4. Skirt: & Other Stories
5. Trainers: Schuh
6. Bag: & Other Stories

The Life Lesson I Didn't Want But Got Anyway

Omg. I've missed this so much. I really felt the void of not writing as often after i started to write down my goals for 2018, (one of them being 'post at least once a week' awks) and it hit me that this is what i'd created my own cute, little, online space for. And i missed it. For times when i felt it was important to document what i wanted/needed, both short term and long term or have a moan or share special moments or just keep myself busy when i wanted to disconnect. 

I had a big shift in my life earlier this year in the shape of my cousin passing away from an immune system disease called 'lupus'. The shock of losing a 28 year old relative paired with the guilt of understanding you could've tried harder after a devastating event was a very very hard pill to swallow. 

I'm usually really good at being the one with open ears and open arms for anyone and everyone in or out of my circle of friends; but her passing shifted everything and created vulnerability that was that became evident in my presence and social interactions; and being that I don't like displaying negative emotions publicly (sadness, anger, jealousy etc) I was struggling to find a safe balance of how to grieve and take everything in but also keep myself busy by heading out to work while trying to not shuffle for a clean kleenex every minute. 

Although i was able to reconnect with family, cry, laugh and do everything in between with people that knew her inside and out, I couldn't shake the heavy feeling of regret for not trying hard enough whilst she was here and only really having myself to blame. It made me step back, take a breath and recognize that while hindsight is a great thing, the feeling of foresight is so much better; and unlike hindsight you don't lose anything from it. Yup, 100% guilt free!

I started to practice how to take action, make an effort and take time out of my day to text, call, meet up with friends and family; and engage in conversation that didn't involve my eyes glued to my phone screen or taking mental notes on how many 'love and hip hop Miami' episodes i was falling behind on. 

Being (sometimes) unfortunate enough to grow up in a millennial society means we work less on the health of our own relationships and genuine social interactions with the ones we care about, and more on our peers perception of us socially, and how healthy our bonds are perceived to be. I'll be the first to admit i'm so guilty of this, and living in a digital age it's getting easier to fall into the trap that deludes you into thinking, replying to a 'miss you!' Instagram comment from a friend or relative counts as having spoke, or watching their snapchat story counts as you keeping up with them and knowing what's going on with them.

But on the other hand, i learnt am learning how to take things in, digest and understand what happened, why it happened, use it for my growth and let it go. Harboring feelings, especially ones that you associate with a negative event or person are so harmful to you spiritually, emotionally and mentally. So to end this on a lovely light note: here's to me growing, glowing and goal chasing in 2018.

If you're curious to know what Lupus is or interested in becoming a member of the charity Lupus UK here's a couple links for ya: 

 https://www.lupusuk.org.uk/what-is-lupus/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/lupus/

https://www.justgiving.com/lupusuk

Top: Pretty Little Thing

Trousers: & Other Stories

Cardigan: & Other Stories

Vans: Office

Why Do We Find It So Hard Being Honest?

I feel like i always rant my way through my posts but i promise this is just a little moan with purpose.
So me & Jenine (my sister) went to a branch of wagamamas last Saturday for a couple starters at around 4.45 pm right. No word of a lie, we had some of the worst customer service ever.  

We waited over half an hour for a glass of WATER, had a late starter delivered shortly after (which was obviously forgotten about), and didn't have anyone come over for the 'bill talk' for about 25 mins while all the staff avoided eye contact and sipped god knows what by the bar? 

Listen, I work in a retail environment with all sorts of customers so i get it, it gets a bit much sometimes... i mean you work as a team but your'e still only one person with one pair of hands. But mate, it wasn't even 6 o'clock, the restaurant was more than half empty and the staff all looked baffled or bored. So fast forward to us GOING UP to the tills and asking to pay, one of the waitresses asked us

'Was everything okay with your meal?'...I kept quiet (on purpose) whilst my sister instinctively replied 'yes, thanks' Which leads me on to the point of this post. Why do we find it so hard to say no? Or just be honest in general?

According to google 60% of adults can't have 10 minute conversation without lying. I mean... we're all human, we're all guilty of exaggerating details of our lives to make our netflix + deliveroo filled weekend sound less sad.                                 Or like you know those nights out you'd really rather not go out on? Why do we get so in our feelings by not being invited to things we were only ever going to say no to anyway? 

Maybe we like the fact that we've crossed people's minds, had them go to the effort of reaching out to us, and given us the option to decline the invitation...which is more satisfying than not been given the option in the first place even though the answer would've remained the same. Right?

                           

I'm a fairly confident person, and am always forthcoming with my thoughts and opinions but then on the other hand i think that in some rare situations a little white lie or keeping your lips sealed is just easier. Like for example, the wagamamas situation... in cases like that it's always at the back of my mind to pick my battles and not feed into the 'angry black woman' character they're expecting and cause a 'stereotypical' scene.

  9 times out of 10 people are equipped to handle the truth, so our half truths and forced smiles/nods are unnecessary. You feel so much better when you've been honest with people and sometimes it takes you being cruel to be kind with friends, family or coworkers for you to be genuinely respected and perhaps even gain a thank-you for it in the long run. The truth feels pretty freeing. Trust me.

1) Top - & Other Stories

2) Skirt - H&M

3) Trainers - & Other Stories

4) Photography - Sofie Hyland Ward

An Open Conversation on Friendship

Just got back from my bestfriend's birthday after showering her with hugs, presents and unsuccessfully trying to embarass her by forcing her to dance with strangers in the middle of oxford st at 10 at night. But no it all seriously got me thinking about the 'friends' i currently have in my life and the effort i make (or sadly don't) on my part to keep them.

Personally i feel like actually making the effort to be a 'good friend' within friendships gets so much harder the older you get. Being able to be an advice filled good listener, be queen inspector morse when it comes to new potential partners and be at every single birthday or event is sometimes hard work, and gets harder the more genuine friends you gain. 

Then on the other hand, coming to the realization that you've just outgrown one another or in different places in your life is also a hard pill to swallow.

Like actually just arranging a time & place to meet up for a quick catch up you gotta take into consideration: Your work schedule, combined with their work schedule, combined with different paydays, slow money months, distance and other relationships or issues that might 'force' them to cancel last min. 

Not that you gotta meet up with your friends like every week to actually maintain your friendship but for me as i've grown up ive clocked it's pretty much my go to option as

 a) i'm not a caller, b) i take at least 5 to 6 hours to respond to messages, and c) i listen to voicenotes, will start to record and forget everything i was meant to respond to and just end up sending a 5 minute voicenote full of 'umm's' and 'oh what was i gonna say again'?'.

Having worked a lot of jobs and gone through school, 2 colleges and uni, I've been in and out of a lot of whatspp group chats, lost friends by 'association', had almost half a year group cut me off and then cut me back in, and learned that chicks before dicks might just be the realest saying ever. Almost every friend i have has a different idea what they mind and don't mind in friendships, so in order to keep them alive i've had to grow out of  things like not being a caller, and learn to be ok with people wanting me to meet them (what feels like) half way across the earth because they don't live in south london.

Having good friends around you is so necessary. To your growth, mental health, happiness and i guess your ability to function in different social situations lol.

Making an effort in whatever form you and your friends do is so important. Nobody knows your friendship as well as you and the people/person in it and learning to value the people that are happy for me when good things happen, and take my secrets to the grave is something i never wanna be guilty of taking advantage of.

1. Bodysuit: Topshop

2. Trousers: Zara

3. Bag: Zara

4. Photography: Sofie Hyland Ward

Grad Life in 2017

Its about 1.30am on a Tuesday night and I can't sleep.. any other 23 year old would probably either be in bed scrolling through Instagram before anxiously cramming in sleep before the 6am wake up call for their 7am commute to their central london 9-5 or half way through their shift at a bar somewhere in central london clock watching while holding out the contactless card machine.

I'm sort of at the in between stage where I'm happy with the money I'm making, the people around me and the environment I work in (most times). But anyone that knows me knows that:

I get bored super easy.. But i guess that's ok when your 16 working the odd shift waiting tables after college but once your out of uni and start living adult life it gets tricky. From constantly being updated about your friends new job position or promotion or buisness venture via facebook to old school friends pictures of them in dubai then in morocco, then in cannes.. 

I mean I would honestly give my left arm to be my own boss and own something of my own, make the rules as I go and have an all bad ass female team working with me. Some days I wake up and think should I just book a one way ticket to like a European city and just roll with the punches? Or like just work my ass off, quit my job and go travelling permanently? 

I hate that society's won in making me feel like I'm not measuring up to people who've graduated and are creating couture spacesuits for Richard Branson when he goes to space. Or like someone who's just started interning and is now second in line to take over asos. 

 I feel like social media plays a massive part in it all too. Having linkedin can be a dope way to network and all that but is also real shit for your self esteem if you've got every Tom, dick and harry you went to school with who have about 6000 connections each and 100 previous jobs between them.

Like as long as I'm happy, I really don't care anymore. I like the fact that even though I'm not where i want to be career wise just yet, I'm muddling through and making the most of being a 23 year old with little major responsibility and accepting the fact that's it's ok to not have it all figured out just yet. It's ok to still not know what career field you want to settle into or whether or not you'll be deemed 'successful' by your mid 20's. It's your chapter, it's your book. Write it how you want. 

1) Top: & Other Stories
2) Dungarees: Topshop
3) Necklace: Vintage amsterdam stall

For, Mum

So, it's two days till mothers day and I mean if i could shower my mum with fererro rochers and tulips everyday i would but as im getting older im realising it's more the time spent with her and the words i say or write in a card that she keeps forever than the materialistic sh*t we wrap up & give her that she looks forward to. Like, the older i get the more i seem to appreciate and value the day

Now i ain't saying i weren't a good kid growing up but i weren't an angel either. Ngl high school is actually satan's playground. So throughout my school years i went through a stage (like we all did) of going against everything my mum wanted for and from me. 

It got to the point where she would confiscate my straighteners (my most prized possession at 13), i'd borrow my friends the same day at school, bring it home and straighten my hair that night pretty much in her face. I'd forge her signature on my report cards, skip school to stay home and collect letters addressed to her from my school about stuff i'd been in trouble for and the list goes on. 

To me, my mum was public enemy number one.

It's crazy to think at that age you have so much pent up aggression towards your mum and it's a shame that it's only when you've outgrown your teenage drama queen stage, you realise everything your mum told you was right and everything she wanted for you was because: she didn't have it herself, she's been there, brought the t shirt and only wants the best for you. At the age of 22 my mum's the most important woman in my life, and i cringe thinking about how much of a cow i was to her. Don't get me wrong i could have been way worse as a kid growing up and we clash at least once a week, but honestly i believe she's heaven sent. 

And although my dad's always been in the picture and they've been married for like forever, shes always worked for everything she's ever had, encouraged me to do the same, instilled in me life lessons that i could write a book on, and been the perfect role model. I still won't make any vital decisions without calling my mum and hearing her voice and opinion before i go ahead.

I remember my mum using the phrase 'i was 16 too once you know!' on me about 2000 times a day, and me rolling my eyes thinking: 'ugh, what when the pyramids were being built?'.. Now looking back i know what she was really saying was: 'whatever your'e about to do, or wherever your about to go, i'm two steps ahead of your ass'. And she still always is.. mum's are like superhuman's it's like their brains are wired to know everything about you: lies, plans, plans about lies! But i wouldn't change a thing about my superhuman. Love ya ma!

1. Hat: Missguided
2. Hoodie: Primark
3. Skirt: & Other Stories
4. Bag: Charity Shop
5. Boots: H&M
6. Sleeveless Jacket: New Look